Jeff Carlson
Glamour Jeff Just acting ugly

D.O.B. - 20th July, 1953

Home Town - Virginia, Minnesota

Profession - Ice Hockey Player

Qualification - Jeff played Jeff Hanson in, the Paul Newman movie, Slap Shot. Jeff played hockey with Paul Newman, and did it while still hanging on to his valuable first name. Away from the movies, Jeff played genuine hockey for, a genuine hockey team, The Minnesota Fighting Saints, a member of the, now defunct, World Hockey Association.

Jeff Cadiente

Happy to be a Jeff

Profession - Stuntman

Qualification - Jeff was the best friend and personal stunt double to Brandon Lee. Some may argue that he didn't do a particularly good job as stand-ins go, but, had Jeff been the one shot in a freak on-set accident, it's quite likely that Brandon Lee would have died of grief, then we'd have no Brandon and no Jeff. Jeff has been pulling punches for the camera since The Golden Child in 1986, he then went on to be the double for Michael Keaton in Batman Returns and he pops up in Predator 2. Since then, he has been seen in such high-octane productions as Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, Con Air, Mission Impossible II and the TV series Angel and CSI. A very tough Jeff. If you were having a tag-team wrestling match with you and a Jeff against, say, a pair of neo-nazi skinheads with boots on, your Jeff of choice would be Jeff Cadiente.

Jeff Butcher

Jeff's Movie

Profession - Movie Prop Master

Qualification - Jeff makes props his bitch. He is Jim Jarmusch's prop master of choice, he was prop master on Requiem for a Dream, he got that TV for Jared Leto to wheel around. Jeff also directed the indie flick Criminals for which he got props in many senses of the word. My boy Jeff got mad props.

Jeff Burton

Jeff was a smooth soul brother

D.O.B. - 1925

Profession - Actor

Qualification - Jeff played Dodge in Planet of the Apes (original) (he was killed and stuffed for museum display fairly early in the picture) as well as playing one of the Joker's henchmen in the Batman TV series named Shamrock (I think this was one of those double-minority characters "he's black and he's Irish! Think of the publicity!"). See, I told you, Jeffs are capable of anything, even escaping the clutches of Batman. POW, SOCK, BIFF, BOFF, Jeff has experienced both the sharp and the blunt ends of all the visual sound effects in the spectrum. Jeff has kicked Burt Ward's side-kick of an ass but, unsurprisingly, never got the best of Adam West. Nor owned a golden vest or passed his driving test. He was too evil for all that. (I actually have no idea whether or not Jeff passed his driving test, he is a Jeff though, so chances are he passed first time. I do, on the other hand, sincerely doubt that he owned a golden vest. It would be far too heavy to wear, and would probably itch like a bitch and be quite hard to stitch. I won't follow that one.) Jeff was also in the blaxploitation classic Coffy with Pam Grier. Jeff died on the 18th January, 1988.

Jeff Buckley

One badass Jeff

D.O.B. - 17th November, 1966

Home Town - Anaheim, California

Profession - Musician

Qualification - In spite of only releasing one studio album, Grace, Jeff is considered one of the greatest musical voices of our time. Choosing to concentrate on touring rather than recording, he gained armies of fans in all corners of the earth. Jeff even performed a tour of small clubs under a number of aliases, including The Crackrobats, A Puppet Named Julio and Martha & The Nicotines, because he said he missed the anonymity of playing in small venues. Though he was the son of prominent folk singer Tim Buckley, the influence of his father on Jeff's music was minimal, the pair only met once when Jeff was eight years old shortly before Tim's death. Jeff didn't attend the funeral, which bothered him greatly, and only got closure on the relationship in 1991 when he performed at a tribute concert to his father. Tragically drowning on 29th May, 1997, Jeff is one of the few contemporary musicians to have more posthumous releases than ones he was alive to witness.

Jeff Brooks

Jeff's the yellow one, standing next to the green Jeff, they should start a crime fighting duo

D.O.B. - 7th April, 1950

Home Town - Vancouver, British Columbia

Profession - Actor

Qualification - Jeff played BJ in Barney. Although he is one of the only characters in children's TV named after a sex-act, atleast he got to be a boy dinosaur, unlike some other people. (See Jeff Ayres)

Jeff Brockton

Jeff hurts himself for your entertainment

Profession - Stuntman

Qualification - Jeff contributed his flailing body to such films as Terminal Velocity, Grosse Pointe Blank, Blade and Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. You will find, if you research the world of Jeffs as thoroughly as I have, that in the stunt community there is something of a Jeff epidemic. I'm not saying that Jeffs are naturally tougher than people with other, lesser names, but you can't ignore the signs forever.

Jeff Bridges

I'm Jeff Bridges bitch!

D.O.B. - 4th December, 1949

Home Town - Los Angeles, California

Profession - Actor

Qualification - Son of the legendary Lloyd Bridges, Jeff got his big break playing Duane Moore in The Last Picture Show, gaining him the first of several oscar nominations. This was followed by a dazzling career including the bad version of King Kong, Starman (garnering him the only ever oscar nomination for a non-human role), starring alongside his brother Beau in The Fabulous Baker Boys and alongside Robin Williams in The Fisher King. More recently he has been seen stoned off his face in The Big Lebowski playing Jeff Lebowski (See Jeff Dowd, Jeff Lebowski is like the centre of a Jeff-based universe). Jeff Bridges is, probably, the greatest Jeff of all time, on top of being a fantastically talented actor, Jeff is a very charitable gentleman, lending his support to, among others, The End Hunger Network. Jeff is also a talented photographer and artist, evidence of which can been found on his website.

Jeff Booth

Jeff's ridin' the tube!

D.O.B. - 27th June, 1969

Home Town - Los Angeles, California

Profession - Surfer

Qualification - Jeff gets paid to surf. Well, not anymore, but he used to. Jeff started competing in 1982 and was once ranked 4th in the world. When a man surfs for a living, chances are he's a badass. When a Jeff surfs for a living, it's a god-damned guarantee. Although, obviously, not the most well known surfer in the world, he's still better than you, or me for that matter. As with all pro-surfers, he retired, but then he went to work for Quiksilver and then for Billabong, he makes a lot of money. When announced as the National Sales Manager at Billabong, Jeff said "I am very stoked to accept this role". I'd imagine Jeff goes through most of his days pretty stoked, because he is a Jeff. See Jeff surf here.

Jeff Boam

Jeff grows good beard, no?

D.O.B. - 30th November, 1949

Home Town - Rochester, New York

Profession - Screenwriter

Qualification - Jeff wrote the screenplays for such films as Innerspace, The Lost Boys, Lethal Weapon 2 & 3 and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Yes folks, there's a good reason why the dialogue for Indy is considerably snappier and less stilted than that of Star Wars, it was written by a Jeff. George Lucas cannot write dialogue: fact. All Jeffs can write dialogue very well, this has been proven by science. If you put an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of type-writers, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. If we undertake the same experiment with just two randomly selected Jeffs, you end up with À la Recherche du Temps Perdu by Marcel Proust, but with two striking differences. This version will actually make sense and in the appendices you will find the complete lyrics to Ice Ice Baby. Jeff also co-created The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., the greatly under-appreciated western series starring Bruce Campbell. Jeff died on 24th January 2000.

Jeff Blyth

Product of Jeff

Profession - Film and Television Director

Qualification - Jeff directed The Secret World of Alex Mack and Cheetah. Jeff's work can also be seen educating youngsters at Disney theme parks in his Circle-Vision 360º films on America, Canada, China and Europe. Obviously, not being a great believer in the value of education, I hold Alex Mack in higher regard than the world of circular cinema. When kids go to Disneyland, they do not want to be educated: fact. They want to be entertained by talking mice. As much as informing small children that "it's just a guy in a suit" would be educational, it is surely not something they want to hear. In fact, it would probably earn you a punch in the face from the father who saved up thousands just to bring the family to Disneyland only to have the magic destroyed by a 'teacher'.

Jeff Blumenkrantz

Jeff

D.O.B. - 3rd June, 1965

Home Town - Long Branch, New Jersey

Profession - Actor/Writer/Composer

Qualification - Jeff wrote the musicals Woman with Pocketbook and Precious Little Jewel as well as the song I Won't Mind for the Audra McDonald album How Glory Goes. As an actor, Jeff has appeared on stage in Damn Yankees and in such TV shows as Just Shoot Me, Will & Grace and Law & Order. Jeff Blumenkrantz is a thoroughly nice guy. How do I know this? Because he was kind enough to grant me an interview. (circa 2000)

The Blumenkrantz Interview

BoJ: What is your favourite word?
Jeff: Extraordinary

BoJ: What is your least favourite word?
Jeff: Anyways

BoJ: What turns you on?
Jeff: Cleanliness - clean lines, clean skin, clean bed, clean smell

BoJ: What turns you off?
Jeff: Dishonesty

BoJ: What is your favourite curse word?
Jeff: Fuck

BoJ: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Jeff: Landscape design

BoJ: What profession other than your own would you not like to participate in?
Jeff: Historian

BoJ: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Jeff: Congratulations, you made a difference

BoJ: Who's your favourite musician or band?
Jeff: Ben Folds

BoJ: What's your favourite ever movie?
Jeff: Pulp Fiction

BoJ: What's your favourite colour?
Jeff: Any shade of blue

BoJ: What are you enjoying on TV?
Jeff: Will and Grace, West Wing, Survivor

BoJ: Do you have any pets?
Jeff: No - allergic

BoJ: Do you ever get people spelling Jeff wrong (e.g. Geoff)?
Jeff: Very rare, although oddly enough, my nickname in high school was Geo-fry, pronounced gee-oh-fry. Sometimes people will misspell Jeffrey (i.e. Jeffery) but that's about the worst of it. My last name on the other hand...

BoJ: Has anyone ever complimented you on having a really good name, first or last?
Jeff: Some people do compliment me on my last name, but I think those people are so shocked by the length of it that they feel like they have to say something. The name Jeff is pretty common, I think, especially for people my age. I have been told that I seem like a Jeff, although I have no idea what that means.

BoJ: Would you ever consider calling a child you might have Jeff Jr.?
Jeff: No way. Nothing against the name. I'm very happy with my name, first and last, for the record. But having been raised Jewish, it would never occur to me to name my child after myself.

BoJ: Do you believe in evolution, astronomy and other such unproven sciences because people tell you they make sense?
Jeff: I don't know if I believe in them, but I don't question them. I am a total pragmatist/realist, and I generally deal in things that can be proven or things that I have witnessed or can bring into existence myself. Those unproven sciences have not captured my attention too much.

BoJ: Did you do well in school and/or college?
Jeff: I'd say yes

BoJ: Do you think Elvis is really all that great?
Jeff: I have never been in the Elvis-worshipping camp. I think younger Elvis had a charm and swagger to him, and he sang well, but I'm not sure how he earned the title The King

BoJ: Who is your favourite person named Jeff?
Jeff: It seems foolish to pick myself, and it seems foolish not to pick myself. I'm going to rephrase the question. My favourite Jeff other than myself is Jeff Bridges.

Jeff Bezos

Jeff could buy you

D.O.B. - 12th January, 1964

Home Town - Alberquerque, New Mexico

Profession - Billionaire (and it seems to pay pretty well)

Qualification - As the founder of Amazon.com, Jeff has more money than could fit in my house, and all because he thought of taking shopping and removing the annoying social-interaction part. His personal fortune peaked at around $10 billion in 1999, which was the same year that Jeff was named Time magazine's Man of the Year. His fortune has since dwindled to a paltry $3.6 billion. I think he just went out and spent 6 billion dollars on hookers and yayo.

Jeff Bergman

It should have been called "The Jeffsons"

D.O.B. - 17th April, 1953

Profession - Voice Artist

Qualification - Jeff has been the voice of, among others, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, George Jetson, Fred Flintstone and Yosemite Sam since the late 80's, and had the honour of taking over the voicing of Bugs Bunny when his creator, Mel Blanc, died. You can often find, in the cartoon realm, Jeff screaming at himself, tricking himself into various humourous situations and, inevitably, shooting himself and making his beak spin round. Let's hope that these habits don't spread into real life like so many LSD casualties.

Jeff Bennett

Surprisingly, a really cool Jeff

D.O.B. - 2nd October, 1962

Home Town - Houston, Texas

Profession - Voice Artist

Qualification - Starting his acting career in 1988 with Friday the 13th part VII, Jeff soon turned to voice work in James Bond Jr. He then steadily rose through the ranks of vocal stardom, contributing over 20 different voices to Animaniacs alone. Among his greatest achievements are the voice of Peter Puppy and the narrator in Earthworm Jim, Dexter's dad in Dexter's Lab and, possibly the greatest achievement in the history of voicing, giving us the Elvis twinged ramblings of Johnny Bravo. If you're confused by any of these Jeffs, in spite of the extensive explanations, chances are you grew up without cable TV. If you did have it, you would know that cartoons are the best thing about late night TV, even when you wait up 'til 2am for the Top Cat marathon only to find that your cable has fucking frozen up on you again. It's a real swings and roundabouts situation.

Jeff Beck

Jeff is a rocker, he rocks out

D.O.B. - 24th June, 1944

Home Town - Wallington, Surrey

Profession - Musician

Qualification - Replaced Eric Clapton in The Yardbirds, Jeff is a musical legend. Jeff was the main inspiration for Christopher Guest's character in This is Spinal Tap, Jeff's amps go up to eleven. Jeff played guitar on the Stevie Wonder album Talking Book and the Tina Turner song Private Dancer.

Jeff 'Skunk' Baxter

Jeff has his own signature Gibson design

D.O.B. - 13th December, 1948

Home Town - Washington D.C.

Profession - Musician

Qualification - Played guitar with Steely Dan and The Doobie Brothers, sports some impressive facial hair and, by some twist of fate, is a defence analyst and consultant to the US government on military defence and national security issues, mostly in the areas of missile defence and theoretical technologies. You may notice, even in these early stages of the alphabet, that Jeffs could quite easily take control of a semi-powerful country (Panama, for example). Jeff once played bass for a young Jimi Hendrix. Have you ever played bass for Hendrix? No, I didn't think so. Jeff has a number of classified security clearances and regularly visits the pentagon, and he knows Clapton. Jeff also pops up in The Louisiana Gator Boys at the end of Blues Brothers 2000. Considering that this is a group constructed solely for a movie and, therefore, could contain anyone in the world, you can see how truly great Jeff is. This is a group containing, among others, B.B. King, Eric Clapton, Bo Diddley, Isaac Hayes, Dr. John and Lou Rawls. If you're looking out for him, and you should be, Jeff's the one in the Ché beret with the well crafted moustache. It's like he's trying to inhale a rat up each nostril tail first.

Jeff Barlow

Jeff's in there, somewhere

D.O.B. - 1871

Home Town - Lancashire

Profession - Actor

Qualification - One of the first Jeffs in showbusiness, his first film role was in A Garrett in Bohemia in 1915. Jeff was a true pioneer. You have to appreciate the impact that Jeff had on the world as one of the first ever stars of the silver screen, and, doing silent movies, he would have starred opposite some seriously hot women, because that's pretty much all that mattered in silent movies. Hot women, eyebrow waggling and Buster Keaton falling over.

Jeff Balis

Ginger Jeff!

D.O.B. - 13th April, 1975

Home Town - Tampa, Florida

Profession - Movie Producer

Qualification - In spite of getting his big break as the first-time producer chosen for Project Greenlight (a sort of Pop Idol for film-makers), Jeff is actually still making films. His biggest film to date is probably the Ryan Reynolds vehicle, Waiting but, coming up, he has films starring Brendan Fraser and Michael Keaton. However, the Jeff is a generous being who still knows where he came from and is always ready and willing to help out his fellow man. If you get stabbed in the gut and left for dead on the side of the road, you'd better hope that a Jeff is passing by. Legend has it the Jeffs possess healing powers not of this earth, or at least a mobile phone with which to call an ambulance.

Jeff Ayres

Jeff had to put food on the table

Qualification - I'll admit, this is mostly out of pity. Jeff played Baby Bop on Barney, he was the girl dinosaur.

Jeff JJ Authors

Jeff is obviously not the woman (who is, I believe, Amy Heckerling)

Profession - Film Director

Qualification - Jeff was the assistant director on such films as The Hurricane and Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms. He also has a good, trip off the tongue, Jeff name. If only the other two Js stood for 'Jeff Jeff', but that seems highly unlikely. I think that it's important to point out that there are enough Jeffs in the field of film and television to form a trade-union of Jeffs and an exclusively Jeffs production company. If you watch all four Universal Soldier movies, you'll notice that, when Jean-Claude leaves, he is replaced by Jeffs (See Jeff Wincott). I like to think that they fought in some sort of thunderdome situation for the job and the Jeffs won, feel free to think up your own stories, but I think you'll find that it's mine that makes the most sense.

Jeff Austin

Formal Jeff

D.O.B. - 29th August, 1954

Home Town - Chicago, Illinois

Profession - Actor

Qualification - Jeff played a reporter in Rocky IV. Many of you will not need reminding that Rocky IV is the one with Dolph Lundgren as the steroid pumped russian, Ivan Drago, who kills Apollo Creed so that Rocky has to go and train in Russia in the snow for 60% of the movie until he is "like a piece of iron" and ready to fight for the pride of America. Jeff is the guy who's question after the fight prompts Rocky's speech about the futility of the Cold War and is, therefore, just as much responsible for the fall of the Iron Curtain as Rocky Balboa himself.

Jeff Atcheson

I don't even know if this is the Jeff Atcheson, if it is, he's the one with glasses on the right. It is certainly a Jeff Atcheson, and he is certainly an award winning bass fisherman.

Qualification - Played the football coach in Superman (1978), the one who told Superman to clean the helmets. What. A. Badass. Although it is not known what Jeff is doing for a living now (Superman was his only acting role), we can be sure that he is a success. We can tell this because he is a Jeff and he is not yet dead. Jeff + Pulse = Success. It's important that we don't overlook the obvious love that the Superman production team had for Jeffs (see Jeff East, you can hardly wait, I can tell).

Jeff Astle

Jeff gave good head

D.O.B. - 13th May, 1942

Home Town - Eastwood, Nottinghamshire

Profession - Footballing Man

Qualification - Played for England in the 1970 World Cup (for which we'll forgive him the 361 games with West Brom). British Jeffs are, sadly, a rarity. Even when you think you've found one, chances are they're a G-off. So, when you find a true British Jeff, you hold on to him and put him in your national football team. I'm not saying that Jeff only got into the team because he was a Jeff, I'm sure his lightness of foot and dazzling accuracy played a part, but it can't have hurt. As opposed to heading leather footballs, the repeated minor trauma of which caused the degenerative brain disorder which led to his death on 19th January, 2002.

Jeff Anderson

Jeff has no beard


D.O.B. - 21st April, 1970

Home Town - Monmouth Country, New Jersey

Profession - Film maker/Tile impresario

Qualification - Played Randal Graves in Clerks and, indeed, Clerks 2 (which, incidentally, I saw today. It was so very funny that I demand you all go and see it). For Clerks, he was orignally credited as, merely, Jeff. Such is the power of the Jeff that, much like God and to a lesser extent Satan and Beck (and to an even lesser extent Cher, and so on to Sonny), that he can express himself through only one name. I can't really express what it means to be in Clerks. It certainly doesn't imply any discernable acting talent, as all the 'actors' were just friends of Kevin Smith, but of course Kevin Smith is a very cool guy to know. So, being a close, personal friend of Kevin Smith is a fantastic qualification which also gets you small, yet classy, roles in all of his subsequent movies (see Gun Salesman in Dogma and the increasingly unimportant parts given to Brian O'Halloran). This is truly a Jeff with his foot in the door and, although not as successful as that other friend of the Smith, Ben Affleck, he could still ask some famous people for interest free loans and he's probably making some serious coin on the back end of Clerks 2. FYI, there is a Jeff Anderson Regional Medical Centre in Mississippi, I'm guessing there's no relation, but still, I bet they give great medical care.

Jeff Ament

Jeff

D.O.B. - 10th March, 1963

Hometown - Havre, Montana

Profession - Musician

Qualification - Jeff plays bass for Pearl Jam who, although probably named after a euphemism for ejaculate, were half responsible for grunge. If only Eddie Vedder had shot himself they might be held in as high regard as Nirvana and Jeff would be as famous as Krist Novoselic. Jeff is also an accomplished graphic designer and creates most of the Pearl Jam album covers, that's back and front, readers. Jeffs are, as a rule, multi-talented, and Jeff's living proof. Jeff wears a lot of shorts, both on stage and off. This is because Jeffs cannot feel the cold. This is a scientific fact (NewScientist Issue No.1546). Jeff is also a big fan of the Seattle Supersonics basketball team and regularly cheers them on from courtside seats. Any rumours that he regularly takes balls to the face are unfounded, or atleast unrelated.

Jeff Altman

Crazy Jeff!


Sensible Jeff

D.O.B. - 13th August, 1951
Home Town - Syracuse, New York
Profession - Comedian/Actor
Qualification - Played Hughie Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard. Hughie was, of course, the nephew of Boss Hogg, played with amazing flair and versatility. Jeff's crowning achievement, however, came in the form of the short-lived TV show Pink Lady and Jeff where he performed comedic interludes to accompany the music of, Japanese pop duo, Pink Lady. For those of you unfamiliar with Pink Lady, let it be known that their crowning achievement was a cover of The Village People's In the Navy replacing the lyrics "In the navy" with "Pink-a-lady". They spoke almost no English and they were palpably untalented, yet they had their own TV show. Who could you possibly turn to, to carry a show fronted by such an act? You turn, of course, to a Jeff!


Comedy Gold!

Jeff Allin

Jeff's the one in the middle

Profession - Actor

Qualification - Played Lieutenant Burke in The Bold and the Beautiful for six years and has appeared in several episodes of Star Trek. Jeff appeared in a two part episode of Diagnosis Murder entitled Murder On the Run, as I understand it, he played a murderer, there was running involved, I don't want to spoil the ending but he didn't get away with it, infact, he was caught with just enough time left over for Dick Van Dyke to perform some kind of comedic epilogue to round off the episode. Jeff has also played characters named Jeff in, not one but, two different films. Jeff played Jeff Thomas in Miracle Landing(1990) and Jeff Nugent in Santa Barbara(1984). One has to wonder if this is down to Jeff being a particularly good contract negotiator, convincing the writers of two productions that Jeff is a really cool name for a character, or just that he's a bit stupid and can't handle the concept of two different names. I prefer to believe the former.

The Book of Jeff: Prologue

As you make your way through life, you will come across people of many names. You may become friends with a Pete or a John and you may think to yourself 'If Pete's name were Jeff, would it make any difference?' If you have to ask this question, you are a fool. Of course it would make a difference. You would spend hours of your life just saying his name to yourself. If, however, your ask yourself 'If my name were Jeff, would my life be changed infinitely for the better?', you are not a fool. True, the answer is obvious, but, in simply asking yourself that question, you are taking the first step on an important journey.

It is with this journey in mind that I bring you the definitive list of the greatest Jeffs born to date. Arranged and cross referenced for your greater understanding, you can now marvel, in your own home, at how Jeffs can overcome their facial disabilities and unfortunate stations in life to propel themselves to the pinnacles of their chosen careers. Notice how other celebrities secretly rely on the knowledge of a Jeff to guide them through life.

Read and enjoy. Then contemplate your life.

Then go out and change your name.